hfygs - The Birth

[Impossible]

C) Install Windows 2000 or later, making this DOS reality and your newer reality become incompatable with eachother, thus eliminating any DOS monsters you previously could have percieved.

You install Windows 2000 and the monster vanishes. However, you are soon faced with a new problem - Windows is overrun by glitches. You're suddenly attacked by a gang of Missingno-like creatures which cause bugs in Windows, and Dr Mario Viruses which claim to have names like "trojan" and "sasser".

You:

A) Throw pills of various colours at the viruses while listening to super-addictive music.
B) Run Ad-aware
C) Send out a level 68 Pikachu to fight the Missingnos.
D) Put it in

[OverlordBill]

(No. Bad Impossible. No bringing back your own ideas.)

> Install Mac OS X, thus solving all of your problems permanently.

Popping the cd into the drive and booting from a command prompt, you begin to reformat your computer to an Apple System when all of the sudden it hits you. Macintosh computers suck ass. And cock. And balls. And dick.

Halting the format, you instead launch a campaign of computer awareness, and finally get people to stop opening attachments and visiting suspicious sites. You also get them to install Firefox with Adblock, and the entire internet marketing business collapses into a singularity, which only emits gravitons that attract other marketing ventures and finally shitty products stop being sold as they no longer have happy, sexy people pretending that they're actually worth even the effort to lift..

Soon Marketing Pirates descend upon your house, where you quite obviously keep your pet Marketing Singularity Spot, and abscond with your favorite sock. Letting out a scream of rage, you run out of your house...

> And become the hulk, ripping your clothes to shreds. Except of course your pants which are made entirely of elastic.
> And jump in the sewer. The sewer mutants don't need socks so you don't need them either.
> And train Spot to suck up Marketing Pirates. But not their wallets. You need cash.

[Impossible]

I'm confused. You want to stop getting viruses and have shit computers, but Mac OS X is terrible? Wow, you're disgustingly ignorant. Don't spout shit when you really have no idea what you're talking about. Honestly, most people here are completely ignorant of what Macs are like at all and have their own retarded and entirely inaccurate perception of them.

Geez, I'm such a moron; I like using a computer which is faster, more reliable, far more stable, doesn't get viruses or spyware, doesn't come with Internet Explorer, doesn't freeze or crash just because I'm doing more than two things at once with it, runs better versions of Windows programs, allows basic functions and actions to be used much more quickly, has a much more accessible interface and easier-to-change options, has far better music, video and photo programs and most importantly, isn't made by Microsoft.

And your post sucked anyway, do something else.

[Teenr0cker]

*EDITED FOR CONTINUITY EFFORTS*(is that spelled right?)


Using the ultimate fighting possesion technique (you yell pooo-zeeh-shun!), you teach the little bugger to attack these rich pirates....after it's done absorbing all the negativity that Impossible gives off, especially at this time. Sadly, after it becomes impossible for you to save him, you realize that Impossible has physical properties like that of an electron: very negative. When that negativity is removed, there is almost nothing left. Thus, impossible is sucked from this plane of existance. Since his ideas lack mass (ie: actual depth), you will still be able to percieve his ideas and opinions in this story. But if its any consolation, he's in immense pain.


After you were done enjoying that visual image, you realize that the pirates and their phat booty wallets no longer trouble you. You pet your little matter ball and collect the cash.

You decide that you could prolly get a semi-decent computer off of that little cuban boy down the block. You find no boy, but an old IBM Thinkpad where he would be. Deciding to invest your money in stock (MUFN) and a SMC EZ Wireless internet connection PCI card, you to a cofee shoppe for a little WIFI action. After powering the computer up, you are pleasantly suprised to find an unnamed and unobjectionible OS already installed on the computer. You slide the PCI card into it's slot slowly and gently, like a fine woman of 2dimensional sorts. It is to your absolute horror that you discover that the PCI card is obsolete and the driver seems to hate you and won't cooperate with the Neutral OS. In a spurt of hellish evil, the laptop starts spewing lava monsters all over the place, killing several bad poets. As you quickly ditch the laptop by a nearby orphanage, you find yourself in a predicament: before you lies three separate paths. One leads to a gypsie campground, one to a Pet store, and the third to a German deli. Which do you choose?

A)Gypsies are cool. They have huge balls...of crystal. (heh, balls)
B) Puppies!
C) Meat!

[Glenn47]

Jeez, been a while since someone wrote here...I really like this topic, so I'll continue it!

With your dog having died about a week ago, and having heard Barbie Girl in German, you feel the most sanity-keeping thing would be to go to the gypsy camp.
When there, you see a sign that says "FREE SHOE POLISH REMOVER AND FORTUNE TELLINGS FOR $5!" As you walk into a tent you are hit with a barrage of shoe polish remover cases, you know, those little round ones. Paying $5 that you somehow got at some point that is too meaningless to even bring up, the gypsy focuses. "ISPO FACTO MEANY-MO MAGICO!" Her crystal ball glows and your baby yoshi gets upgraded and learns egg toss.
"Now for your fortune! Five more dollars please."
"Whaaa??"
You pay five more dollars. How else would the plot advance?
"Ohh, I sense a great evil looming about. There is a chance that you could possibly have hard times in the future, but they will clear up. Or not. In fact, nothing may or may not happen at all. That'll be five dollars please."
You pay five dollars.
Leaving, suddenly *Mephistopheles flies down and lands with a huge purple wave of dark energy blasting across the battle field. You realize that you have to fight him, Super Smash Bros Melee style.

Choose your character!

A) Sheik, but never Zelda
B) Marth
C) Samus, because you are gay and obviously suck at the game for picking this character over Marth or Sheik.

*Note: Mephistopheles is a sweet name for Satan, Satan's brother, or Satan's highest ranking demon, depending which legend you read from.

[War]

B) Marth

You rage into battle with and begin hacking away at Mephistopheles. You do 0% damage. You go over and try your sword dance. You do 0% damage. You then try a fully charged up Shield breaker. You do 0% damage.

So then you flip over to your Baby Yoshi who does Gulp attack. This somehow exposes a strange weakness in Mephistopheles and kill him.

Now you...

A) Ride on your Baby Yoshi for no reason.

B) Begin to eat the dead Mephistopheles.

C) Do a barrel roll.

[Impossible]

I would have posted, but I assumed we were going to wait for Jeramyu to delete the idiotic posts with people being assholes first. It's a shame, too, we missed out on some great oppurtunities...

[Greatchickenman]

For clarification purposes, Mephistopheles was either the devil or an evil spirit in the Faust legend, in which Faust, the Alchemist sells his soul for magical PWRZ.

[Telephalsion]

Of course if you have a yoshi, why not ride it?
you hop onto your yoshi, once you jump onot it the cheeky super mario world yoshi theme starts running behind your ears. And just for kicks you do a jackhammer punch onto the yoshis head, causing him to shoot out his tounge, as expected. What you didn't expect was that his tounge would fly through a dimension door cast with 6d6 power, causing the opening to the gate to appear just behind the yoshi, and in effect, your yoshi sticks its tounge onto it's own tail. You quickly just off before your yoshi begins to try and swallow itself. Once it does, it results in the yoshi collapsing into itself and thus becoming obsolete to any further equations.
Confused by the event you turn around for no apparent reason. BEfore you you see a number of guildhalls. Of course, where there are guilds one has to enlist. But to what guild?

a) fighters guild, since killing stuff with hand-held objects has always appealed to you.

b) thiefs guild, cause you could use the spare change.

c) mage's guild, cause you have a pointy hat in your left hand

[Teenr0cker]

Thiefs are cool. They always have been. They have one thing that Seal Clubbers and Pasta-... er, Warriors and mages, can hardly say they excel in: Moxie. That's right. Cajones. Guts. Rouge-isnness. They are swift on the job and at the bar witht the ladies. So you disco down to the wrong side of the tracks at the seaside town. You scan the sleazy back alley, fighting off hobos, walk past the wall of graffiti, and enter the Department of Shadowy Arts and Crafts. There, a man named lefty tells you that you need to do certain moxious tasks, such as ordering a beer, stealing your own pants without noticing, and stealing the grand thiefs wallet. You dazzle them with your moxie and pass. Now that you're a true disco thief, you have three choices:

A)Get into PVP
B) go around stealin stuff
C) Disco all night long, drunk as hell.

[Glenn47]

You realize that since you are a true disco thief, you could pull off B and C at the same time!
You steal some guy's disco gear, you know, the usual kind. You steal the DJ's job and put on Funky Town. Then you steal the floor with your self-righteous and kickass dance moves, even when you're drunk. Thank god you've watched Drunken Master every night ritualistically for the past 12 years.
Suddenly you see an unbelievably hot girl on the dance floor. She sees you. You parry left. She parries left. You Elvis Presley right. She EP's right. You are intrigued.

Oh hell. Cyborg ninjas again.
You have a few options:

A) Keep hitting on the girl whilst taking out Cyborg Ninjas with your disco moves, because you're just that awesome.
B) Use your thief cloaking skill and chuck throwing stars at the Cyborg ninjas, then continue hitting on that girl.
C) Claim that you have a bomb, make a complete ass of yourself in front of everyone including the hottie, and THEN use your cloaking device to get the hell out of there.
D) Jump into a conveniently-placed plothole.

[Telephalsion]

a)

You slide next to the girl take her hands and begin spinning her around, she seems to enjoy it so you take the chance, you spin her towards the cyborg ninjas, killin several of them. You then moonwalk to your girl and then pull some saturday night fever moves, poking the eyes out of the cyborg ninjas. Seeing as the only normal poeple in the joint is you and that chick, and all others are cyborg ninjas, you begin to realize hitting on that girl will trouble your disco-style kenshido. You groove yourt way to the head cyborg ninja and tell him...

1) that this can only be decided by a breakdance battle

2) that you're giving up, but secretly you're stealing all their circuits

3) that there is a sale on laser-katanas outside

[Inderos]

1) that this can only be decided by a breakdance battle



The leader accepts your challenge eagerly, quite confident that his downloaded skills are better than yours. You begin the match with your trademark OGL-Scrub technique that does +500% damage to cyborg ninjas, affecting them similarly to the way a cure spell hurts the undead. As a finale you yell, "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER!!!" and turn around to face your prize- but wait, she's dead too? She must have been a cyborg-ninja as well, you decide.

What do you do next?


A) Indulge in some necropheliac activities.

B) Kill the emo kid that lives across the street.

C) Join a hair metal band.

D) Visit mommy dearest and Captain John Carter on Mars.

[Teenr0cker]

Going for what we call a "Double Whammy" in the biz, meaning the options are half-assed, so combonation is required, you lure the emo kid with the dead corpse now dressed up as Avril LeBitch or whatever. You then detonate the C-4 charges you stacked by the body and obliterated two of the worlds worst problems.

Deciding that you should really be getting to school by now, you set off towards your underfunded and overcrowded school. There you are confronted by your asshole principle, who tells you that you will fail in your elective class, thus, "you fail at life". He gives you Three options

A) Enter something in the science fair
B) Submit a piece of Art
C) Learn C++, QBasic, and QVisual, all in one night in time for the extensive exam the next day.

[Glenn47]

Science!

You rush home and create your science project in record time. Your project is on "convenient loopholes." Your principal is arrested for possession of crack coccaine the next morning. Because of this, you are let off from all grades, because your principal sucked, and it's not your fault if you fail.

At a urinal, you hear that the "big dance" is coming tomorrow. It's a formal dance, so you gotta dress shnazzy. You're all excited. You have a big choice to make.

A) Skip the dance like an alone loser
B) Ask that cute and innocent (VIRGIN WHO DOESN'T PUT OUT) girl to the dance (No crap, Inderos) via the tele.
C) Show up to the dance without a girl, also like a loser.
D) Pick B for god's sake. You love god, right?