Well...

[Inderos]

At the suggestion of our lovely moderator, Jeramyu(Apparently he's curious), I've decided to post a bit of my work up here. I'm not the type to preface my work with long paragraphs explaining why I wrote something the way I did- I just did. I have the feeling some of you might not enjoy it just because you don't like me, but feel free to give whatever criticism you feel neccessary. Anyways, what I've decided to post is the first few pages of a novella I started earlier this year. I haven't worked much more on it(It's only around fifteen pages or so), but if you like what you read here, maybe I'll type up some of the rest of it out of my notebook.

Just as the moon appeared before the dying of the light, before the forest lost the brilliance that twilight gave it and gained a new beauty within the stillness of the night, I found the solitary silence to my liking. I'd finally found the rest I needed in the peace of this wood; nature comforting me after the turbulence I had recently experienced. Even knowing that this wouldn't last longer than the few hours I might sleep to regain my strength, I embraced it as if it would always be. I never had the chance to think about how ignorant I was to believe that I could stay forever nestled in the arms of the mother I never knew, for I was dreaming of things I would not soon forget. Asleep immediately, I would have no moments of blissful, incoherent musings that usually foreshadowed my nearing slumber. During my consciousness I was living in fear and regret, running only to live one day longer at a time. And as much as it bothered me, my dreams were still pleasant... Or rather, the ones I choose remember. These were no different. My dreams offered me a tranquility I had long forgotten, soothing my internal wounds more than the sleep itself healed my external ones. I sank deeper and deeper into the quiet abyss, accepting the refuge that sleep offered me.

I said that my dreams were always pleasant, yet that word is too subjective to describe them. Perhaps I should have said pleasant in the eyes of the insane. But, I am only thinking of this all in retrospect. It wasn't until recently that I gave much thought to my sanity, and now that I have, I realize that only those who have lost their minds can do truly amazing things. Do I owe my current situation to my psychological contingency, or is it my state of mind a product of my situation? Whether all of these assumptions are true or not, I do know that the dream I had here in the woods was not much different than usual.

Death decayed the scene- bodies of the deceased littered the field. Bodily organs were strewn across the dirt and blood stained the rocks as I walked through. The stench of death was already in the air for the battle had ended no more than an hour ago. If this smell had been new it would have turned my stomach. I began to feel nostalgic in this cookie-cutter battlefield as it reminded me of almost every other I had been in.
But...

Lovely as it was, with blood an all, I could tell it was about to end... I was encased in a mental and physical blindness for a moment. Then somewhere, just at the periphery of everything, the darkness halted it's constriction. Somewhere, something like a crescendo of subliminal thunders, was arrested at one raging note. That note was a distillate of pain, shame and fear. I lifted my face to the direction of the cacophony, my sight slowly adjusting to the absence of light as I pushed strands of diaphanous tangerine hair away from my pale face. My complexion had always been ashen, so much so that it was naught but my absinthe eyes that prevented me from being marked albino. I felt the corners of my lips twist upward, forming my mouth into a slight grin. Through the darkness I could see the source of the noise, my betrothed seconds before death, a familiar man with a familiar blade poised to strike her. My smirk had not the time to fade before there was a flash of painful static and I was awake again.

I awoke to the sound of hooves beating against the ground. I hadn't counted on my oppressors following so quickly. I rose out of the undergrowth that I had rested in, leaving my new mother before the dew would set upon her leaves. I knelt down to pick up my weapon, a bamboo pole concealing a bright and narrow blade. Gripping it in the center I left my dreams and philosophies behind, pushing them away from me as my feet repelled the ground.
I hadn't run for long before I realized that even though the surroundings really favored my escape, thinking that the horses wouldn't be able to move quickly, that I had a slim chance of escape. Cursing myself I pushed on harder.
I heard hooves to my left and right, though I could not see their source. The passage of time slowly slipped from my mind, concentrating on my escape itself. I do not know how long I ran before I was struck in the chest. My eyes had closed due to fatigue, only continuing to run out of sheer will, so I had not seen the flat of the blade right in front of me. I was on my back in seconds, the pain in my chest dull to that in my legs. I still hadn't opened my eyes and had accepted my defeat. Voices were all around me and I was suddenly aware of not just the person who's blade I had run into, but many others. I felt the cold tip of a blade lift up my chin, exposing my bare neck.
"Hold your blade, Alex. You'd only do him a favor to kill him now. We all know his the severity of his crimes, and the punishments that await him." I heard no more of the conversation, for the pain overcame me and I blacked out.



I awoke freezing, my body pressed against cold stonework. It wasn't hard for me to realize where I was without opening my eyes. My hand rose to rub the side of my face, a groan of displeasure escaped my mouth. I had lost my last chance to escape and I knew there was not hope for me now. The room closed in around me as I began to think about the direction my life had taken. I hadn't much time left before I would be taken before the Patriarch and I knew my meeting with him would signal my death. Sitting up, I leaned against one of the walls languidly and ran a slender pale hand through my hair. Although I had already established it was impossible to escape, I still racked my mind for a way out. I failed to come up with anything realistic, though I played with the idea of some God endowing me with deific strength to pass the time.

Not long after I stopped using my brain for anything useful, I heard footsteps approaching my cell. I wasn't planning on giving whoever it may be the respect of me lifting my head, but it wouldn't have mattered, for the voice I heard was immediately recognizable.

"It's kind of ironic to see you on that side of these bars..." His voice trailed off, and I felt my mouth twist into a grin.

"Maybe, but maybe not. People change. I might not be the same person you used to know. Maybe I am. I don't know anymore."

Ignoring my suggestionm he continued on with what he had to say, "For a moment, I wanted to kill you in the forest... But I'm not sure if that desire came from wanting your death to come by my hands, or if I wished to save you from what you might face here. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I cannot forgive you for what you did to Miren, and that my blade alone is not enough to wash you of your sin."

"You should have killed me, Alex. You'd have taken my place as hero of the people... That kind of thing is what you wish for, isn't it? But then again, it probably wouldn't be long before you too fell from their grace..." I laughed cynically, the sound resonating between the bars to bless his ears.

He turned away from the cell and took several paces down the damp hallway that lead to it, "Inderos, the Patriarch shall see you in seven days."

He said no more, but I was insulted that he would believe that such a trick would work on me. It had long been a practice here to tell prisoners when they would be summoned by the Patriarch to receive their sentence. But the trick was, the number of days until their meeting with Death was decided on whim by their guard and had no real significance. It was in this fashion that the guards stripped the prisoners of their sanity, the condemned counting away the days until the one they thought to be their last. That day would break the weak, but it was worse for those that it didn't. Those who held on to themselves would live in fear that they should be stuck within indecision, thinking that the Patriarch had forgotten them.
Tossing Alex's words aside, I closed my eyes, preparing for sleep. I dreamt the usual dreams, the kind that most people would wake up sweating with a pounding heart. I'm not sure whether it was my emotional detachment or some sort of twisted fetish that allowed me to remain calm afterwards. I guess it doesn't matter now.



If some of you are wondering about the name of the main character, Inderos, he's a character I've had for five or six years now. He's the character I've written the most about, and tends to be my name on most forums or websites. Originally, I hadn't planned for him to the main character of this particular story... But he just worked himself into it, somehow. I'll wait to say anymore until someone else posts here.

[Impossible]

I must admit, there's just something published authors manage to do, particularly with their descriptions, that I always struggle with no matter how hard I try to do something similar.

But you still suck.

[Inderos]

I must admit, there's just something published authors manage to do, particularly with their descriptions, that I always struggle with no matter how hard I try to do something similar.

But you still suck.

I know I was an ass about your fanfiction before, but just keep writing. I would suggest you checked out the game http://www.furcadia.com if you wanted to seriously improve your descriptive ability. I know everyone here has an INTENSE hatred for furres, but that game has quite the talented community of Roleplayers, and I've learned quite a bit there.

[Impossible]

Just as the moon appeared before the dying of the light, before the forest lost the brilliance that twilight gave it and gained a new beauty within the stillness of the night, I found the solitary silence to my liking. I'd finally found the rest I needed in the peace of this wood; nature comforting me after the turbulence I had recently experienced. Even knowing that this wouldn't last longer than the few hours I might sleep to regain my strength, I embraced it as if it would always be. I never had the chance to think about how ignorant I was to believe that I could stay forever nestled in the arms of the mother I never knew, for I was dreaming of things I would not soon forget. Asleep immediately, I would have no moments of blissful, incoherent musings that usually foreshadowed my nearing slumber. During my consciousness I was living in fear and regret, running only to live one day longer at a time. And as much as it bothered me, my dreams were still pleasant... Or rather, the ones I choose remember. These were no different. My dreams offered me a tranquility I had long forgotten, soothing my internal wounds more than the sleep itself healed my external ones. I sank deeper and deeper into the quiet abyss, accepting the refuge that sleep offered me.

Now, see, that's fucking brilliant - at least in the technique used, anyway. I'll be confident in my writing when I can do that.

[Inderos]

Just as the moon appeared before the dying of the light, before the forest lost the brilliance that twilight gave it and gained a new beauty within the stillness of the night, I found the solitary silence to my liking. I'd finally found the rest I needed in the peace of this wood; nature comforting me after the turbulence I had recently experienced. Even knowing that this wouldn't last longer than the few hours I might sleep to regain my strength, I embraced it as if it would always be. I never had the chance to think about how ignorant I was to believe that I could stay forever nestled in the arms of the mother I never knew, for I was dreaming of things I would not soon forget. Asleep immediately, I would have no moments of blissful, incoherent musings that usually foreshadowed my nearing slumber. During my consciousness I was living in fear and regret, running only to live one day longer at a time. And as much as it bothered me, my dreams were still pleasant... Or rather, the ones I choose remember. These were no different. My dreams offered me a tranquility I had long forgotten, soothing my internal wounds more than the sleep itself healed my external ones. I sank deeper and deeper into the quiet abyss, accepting the refuge that sleep offered me.

Now, see, that's fucking brilliant - at least in the technique used, anyway. I'll be confident in my writing when I can do that.

Heh, thanks. I wasn't really expecting praise from you, though.

[Teenr0cker]

You don't get it do you Inderos? ANYBODY can do a story. Impossible is doing one, Jera is doing one, even I am doing one. And let us not forget how much and how quickly Bill did one for those ungrateful assholes over at Kr0... my point is, unless you were doing this cause you felt like it, which I doubt, you should just stop since, and you may not know this, writing a whole shitload of stuff doesn't get you any popularity unless its a high-quality piece of work....which it isn't....so leave....as in now.













Aren't you gone yet?

[Inderos]

You don't get it do you Inderos? ANYBODY can do a story. Impossible is doing one, Jera is doing one, even I am doing one. And let us not forget how much and how quickly Bill did one for those ungrateful assholes over at Kr0... my point is, unless you were doing this cause you felt like it, which I doubt, you should just stop since, and you may not know this, writing a whole shitload of stuff doesn't get you any popularity unless its a high-quality piece of work....which it isn't....so leave....as in now.

Wow, you're a moron. Not doing this because I want to? Of course I write because I want to. As for posting it on here, I'd love to get my work out for people to read, though I hadn't really considered posting it on these forums because your response is the kind I knew I'd get. If you don't like it, don't like it because it's not good, not because you don't like me.

[Impossible]

I hate to admit it (because you're insulting Inderos), Teen, but you're wrong. Writing a good story takes a lot more than you seem to think.

[Takarious]

Well, I must give credit where credit is due. A very nice piece of work Inderos.

[OverlordBill]

You switch tenses, use meaningless descriptions and the narrator is just plain annoying. Yes, you're whimsical with your words but that's the only thing you have going for you. As you look like you're going for a professional piece, it would probably be good to go over it yourself and not rely on Microsoft Word to check for spelling. I caught quite a few discrepancies.

Jeramyu, why did you have to encourage him to do anything here?

[Greatchickenman]

Switching tenses is okay, as long as it doesnt sound wrong. It doesnt matter how correct the grammer is as long as the reader is amused.

[Porter]

As the frost crept up the white painted, luster, crystal windowsill, I sat in the ever gleaming consciousness of the grey lined clouds stealing beauty from my ivory glistened eyes.

You should use that, it would fit perfectly.

[EmperorJeramyu]

Well, you're certainly the lord of the adjective, that's for sure. It's good, but still not grounds to tell Impossible to stop writing his novelization.

[HolsteinCow]

I know I was an ass about your fanfiction before, but just keep writing. I would suggest you checked out the game http://www.furcadia.com

TRAITOR!

[Glenn47]

Alright, overall it's not too bad. I'm going to be your grammatical editor for a bit, and I hope you take into consideration what I say. I don't usually like the quote system on this board, so I'll just parenthesize things.

"Just as the moon appeared before the dying of the light, before the forest lost the brilliance that twilight gave it and gained a new beauty within the stillness of the night, I found the solitary silence to my liking."

This intro..beginning the entire story with the word "Just" usually doesn't look too pretty. (no chip jokes, please.) Also, a semicolon after the word light would add a more finalized look, and add emphasis to the phrase "the dying of the light". And

You might want to consider starting a new paragraph with "Asleep immediately" because of the feeling of a new idea taking shape. And you should also consider fitting his idea of a "pleasant dream" into the story a bit sooner. You confuse the reader a bit otherwise.

Your first paragraph of the dream needs some work. It barely gives the feeling of a dream. Your basic concept of a dream is that you first realize what you're doing, and then where you are. So switch it around a bit. Try starting with "As I walked through the battlefield" or wherever he is in the dream. That's the first thing someone notices in a dream.
Then "If this smell had been new it would have turned my stomach" would probably look better as "the smell of death around me was enough to turn a stomach." The reader will soon realize that he doesn't mind the scene. If you want it even more obvious while still looking good, try "-to turn a stomach, and yet I embraced it." The last sentence is fine.

Just so you know, I loved this next paragraph's intro. All you gotta do is take off the comma after "subliminal thunders." And perhaps "one raging note" could be changed to "one piercing note" depending on what you meant. I imagined a note somewhat like on The Ring. The high pitched note that sends a creep down your spine (even though the movie wasn't scary). So that would be piercing more than raging, if you meant it as such. You should describe the main character sooner. Talking about what his hair color and skin tone is in the dream paragraph takes away from the effect. Perhaps in the first paragraph, say "I rested my tangerine hair against the wood. The moonlight matched the pale of my skin." Something like that, then fit in the eye color. You haven't really described what the character is wearing, and as much as I hate reading those parts, they have to be said almost right away so that the reader may grasp an image of the character.

This next paragraph is very nice. I like the metaphor of "leaving my new mother before the dew would set upon her leaves." Since you mentioned a mother earlier on, this was a very artistic choice of words.

"I hadn't run for long before I realized that even though the surroundings really favored my escape, thinking that the horses wouldn't be able to move quickly, that I had a slim chance of escape. Cursing myself I pushed on harder."
Take out one escape, preferably the second one. Semicolon after the first escape, or revise the wording altogether. Comma after "Cursing myself."

"I heard hooves to my left and right, though I could not see their source. The passage of time slowly slipped from my mind, concentrating on my escape itself. I do not know how long I ran before I was struck in the chest. My eyes had closed due to fatigue, only continuing to run out of sheer will, so I had not seen the flat of the blade right in front of me. I was on my back in seconds, the pain in my chest dull to that in my legs. I still hadn't opened my eyes and had accepted my defeat. Voices were all around me and I was suddenly aware of not just the person who's blade I had run into, but many others. I felt the cold tip of a blade lift up my chin, exposing my bare neck."
Once again you should switch the order of sentences here. Explain that his eyes closed before you tell how he is hit. Your choice of words makes this sentence unclear: "I still hadn't opened my eyes and had accepted my defeat." I'm not sure if it was meant as "I still hadn't opened my eyes and accepted defeat" (he still won't surrender), or "My eyes were still closed and I accepted defeat" (he does accept defeat). Try re-wording it.

In the next paragraph, " -my body pressed against cold stonework" doesn't really put the picture in the readers mind of how he is positioned. Is he laying down? Is he against a wall? Then later it is said that he "sits up." So the reader has to wait 5 sentences to get the image.

Ignoring my suggestionm he continued on with what he had to say, "For a moment, I wanted to kill you in the forest..."
Minor typo, just to point it out. Suggestion, you know.

That's about it. If you cared to read this, those are the things you should consider revising. Overall I liked it, even if I saw a lot of errors. Even the greatest writers have editors. Have fun with it if you want to finish it up.