I hate the airlines
Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 10:23 pmI present to you a section I had originally intended for a portion of my outtake, which I have just now put into a digital form. I feel it is so unusual, it must have its own topic.
This is a sad and true story based on Teenr0ckers' horrible horror of an experience on the plane from salt lake city to Kallispel, Montana. Teen climbed into the first row and got the window seat. Minutes passed. Apparently a rather large and meaty woman was having a bit of trouble fitting in the small aircraft's door, but she seemed to have gotten past that problem. As she waddled past the cockpit, much to Teens dismay and horror, she plopped down next to him. And it was not the plop from something falling quickly. No, no, no... It was a plop like a sack of meat settling into place. It- or rather she- quickly fell asleep and began snoring. Loudly. About twelve minutes after takeoff, Teen gently nudged the beast-lady to get her off his armrest so he could pull out his personal tray. She-beast fell asleep for awhile until she had a coughing fit and woke up. Teen cringed as he drew his hoodstrings and wished that she hadn't turned to him to cough violently. "oh, my head," the lady moaned, "why am I roasting hot?". "Maybe you should take off that heavy coat," Teen suggested. "Oh," the lady replied, " could you help me take it off, then?". Teen simply slipped on his headphones and cranked up "bohemian Rhapsody" just to show his dislike of the very thought of such a thing. "Would you like a drink sir?" the Flight attendant asked Teen. As Teen sipped his orange juice, he noticed that the fat one was upset that the flight attendant had already walked by and now she wanted something, even after declining the order. "Hey," she said to Teen," Can you get me a drink? The flight attendant didnt get me one!". At that point, Teen told her that she had declined when offered a drink. Convinced that the flight attendant had something against her, the woman continued to complain."Ok, ok, just please stop bothering me and I'll get you something," Teen finally gave in. After he had retrieved one small bottle, which must have seemed smaller to the very large woman, he opened up his personal tray, which he had closed to pass. He then continued to write his outtake script, hoping to somehow include jelly donuts, but scratched the idea. The pulsating blob of fat cleared her throat once. Twice. Now she was practically hacking a loogie on Teen."Do you need something?" Teen inquired with an almost unnoticable twitch in his eye. The blob grunted in agreement and then told Teen she was feeling ill and she wanted a towel for her head. But Teen had a slight difficulty trying to get out once more, seeing as how the blob had prepped a barf bag and put it and her water bottle on Teen's table, on top of his Chemistry homework, without his permission. "Strike two," Teen thought as he squeezed past her with difficulty. Teen had noticed a disturbing detail on the posture of this beast blob: she had removed her shoes and had propped her spread legs on the wall in front of her after Teen had sat back down. Sadly, she lacked the dignity to drop her legs as Teen attempted to pass by. Teen praised Allah, Christ, and the 4000 gods his friend worshipped that she was wearing a very unrevealing and very long dress, shielding him from sights that surely would have blinded him. As Teen stooped his head to become eye level with the flight attendant, he told her of his neighbors plight. "Wow," the attendant replied, "she must be a huge bitch!". "Well, she is," Teen admitted. Teen returned to his seat with a wet rag the attendant had discovered somewhere and squeezed back into place. "Well, finally, I get some service! But...do you think you could get a bag of Ice for me?". "Strike three," Teen thought. "Maybe I should just count to Ten," Teen thought. But much to the dismay of the blob beast, Teen got to "whu-" of one and then lost it. "I'd like to tell you something first, if I may," Teen proclaimed, without pausing to allow the beast to interject, "I think of everyone as an equal until I recieve the proper chance to get a good picture of who they are and how high a level of respect they deserve. YOU, my excessive and morbidly obese aquaintence, deserve the same respect as the bag of cheetos I suspect you will consume after this plane has landed! So shut up, get a life, get off your fat lazy ass, and get your own retarded ice! I've been politely getting your stuff and I don't recieve a single friggin 'Thank you'?!?!? If you got lost somewhere in this little talk, lemme summarize it for you in three words: Fuck you bitch!".
She was silent for the rest of the flight.
This is a sad and true story based on Teenr0ckers' horrible horror of an experience on the plane from salt lake city to Kallispel, Montana. Teen climbed into the first row and got the window seat. Minutes passed. Apparently a rather large and meaty woman was having a bit of trouble fitting in the small aircraft's door, but she seemed to have gotten past that problem. As she waddled past the cockpit, much to Teens dismay and horror, she plopped down next to him. And it was not the plop from something falling quickly. No, no, no... It was a plop like a sack of meat settling into place. It- or rather she- quickly fell asleep and began snoring. Loudly. About twelve minutes after takeoff, Teen gently nudged the beast-lady to get her off his armrest so he could pull out his personal tray. She-beast fell asleep for awhile until she had a coughing fit and woke up. Teen cringed as he drew his hoodstrings and wished that she hadn't turned to him to cough violently. "oh, my head," the lady moaned, "why am I roasting hot?". "Maybe you should take off that heavy coat," Teen suggested. "Oh," the lady replied, " could you help me take it off, then?". Teen simply slipped on his headphones and cranked up "bohemian Rhapsody" just to show his dislike of the very thought of such a thing. "Would you like a drink sir?" the Flight attendant asked Teen. As Teen sipped his orange juice, he noticed that the fat one was upset that the flight attendant had already walked by and now she wanted something, even after declining the order. "Hey," she said to Teen," Can you get me a drink? The flight attendant didnt get me one!". At that point, Teen told her that she had declined when offered a drink. Convinced that the flight attendant had something against her, the woman continued to complain."Ok, ok, just please stop bothering me and I'll get you something," Teen finally gave in. After he had retrieved one small bottle, which must have seemed smaller to the very large woman, he opened up his personal tray, which he had closed to pass. He then continued to write his outtake script, hoping to somehow include jelly donuts, but scratched the idea. The pulsating blob of fat cleared her throat once. Twice. Now she was practically hacking a loogie on Teen."Do you need something?" Teen inquired with an almost unnoticable twitch in his eye. The blob grunted in agreement and then told Teen she was feeling ill and she wanted a towel for her head. But Teen had a slight difficulty trying to get out once more, seeing as how the blob had prepped a barf bag and put it and her water bottle on Teen's table, on top of his Chemistry homework, without his permission. "Strike two," Teen thought as he squeezed past her with difficulty. Teen had noticed a disturbing detail on the posture of this beast blob: she had removed her shoes and had propped her spread legs on the wall in front of her after Teen had sat back down. Sadly, she lacked the dignity to drop her legs as Teen attempted to pass by. Teen praised Allah, Christ, and the 4000 gods his friend worshipped that she was wearing a very unrevealing and very long dress, shielding him from sights that surely would have blinded him. As Teen stooped his head to become eye level with the flight attendant, he told her of his neighbors plight. "Wow," the attendant replied, "she must be a huge bitch!". "Well, she is," Teen admitted. Teen returned to his seat with a wet rag the attendant had discovered somewhere and squeezed back into place. "Well, finally, I get some service! But...do you think you could get a bag of Ice for me?". "Strike three," Teen thought. "Maybe I should just count to Ten," Teen thought. But much to the dismay of the blob beast, Teen got to "whu-" of one and then lost it. "I'd like to tell you something first, if I may," Teen proclaimed, without pausing to allow the beast to interject, "I think of everyone as an equal until I recieve the proper chance to get a good picture of who they are and how high a level of respect they deserve. YOU, my excessive and morbidly obese aquaintence, deserve the same respect as the bag of cheetos I suspect you will consume after this plane has landed! So shut up, get a life, get off your fat lazy ass, and get your own retarded ice! I've been politely getting your stuff and I don't recieve a single friggin 'Thank you'?!?!? If you got lost somewhere in this little talk, lemme summarize it for you in three words: Fuck you bitch!".
She was silent for the rest of the flight.
