Someone who likes metal walks into a bar....

[Porter]

A metalhead walks out of a bar and enters a narrow street. A muscular and threatening man blocks the way. The situation turns out differently depending on what kind of metal our protagonist listens to:

Heavy Metal
The protagonist walks over to his Harley Davidson, puts on his leather jacket and drives right over the poser. As the poor man lies bleeding, the protagonist walks towards him, drinking a beer, kneels and screams: "You weren’t Heavy Metal enough".

Power Metal
The protagonist draws the mighty shining sword of the undying flame. Then he slays his foe by the power of the steel. With the voice of a thousand winds he yells in the man’s face: "So, will you read the Silmarillion now?"

Black Metal
The protagonist unveils his painted face. The man before him does not know whether he should laugh, vomit or be afraid. Doing all three at the same time he falls down, dying. The protagonist growls something that no-one can hear. What he actually said was: "Please help me remove this sock from my throat" (in Norwegian).

Death Metal
The protagonist growls something. The confused man before him leans forward to hear better. The problem is only that not even the protagonist heard what he just said. The man gets out of there, looking for someone who has learned to speak properly.

Speed Metal
The protagonist starts running around his opponent at an incredible speed while he is hammering him with drumsticks. The other guy suffers a brain disorder from all the spinning and faints. The protagonist has no intention of stopping, but carries on until he faints too.

Progressive Metal
The protagonist becomes afraid and asks if he can play his shortest song before he is killed. The bully agrees. After nine minutes of endless solos and lyrics like "the aftermath of the purification bears me through the solid walls of festering ambivalence, while the waves of revered intimacy roar ferociously" the man dies of inflamed patience gland. The protagonist feels insulted for never getting to play the last two solos.

Viking Metal
The protagonist is not worried. He knows that he cannot lose because he has the support of Thor and, above all, he is so extremely fucking Nordic. He comes from a place so far north even Santa Claus would freeze his butt of. He crushes his enemy’s head with his giant axe and then envies the man for coming to Valhalla before him. He walks away thinking: "Odin’s Shit! Where did I park my longship?"

Thrash Metal
The protagonist screams about how fucking angry he is and asks the guy to really check out his furious look. He then goes on about Satan and how he will kill and slice and beat up the guy because of bad anger management. The guy gets really bored and walks away.

Folk Metal
The protagonist calls for his fifteen friends playing violin, flute, bouzouki and all other weird instruments. They arrive and stand together against their lonely challenger. He exclaims: "Jesus Christ". The protagonist answers: "No, we are in contact with our pagan ancestors and we deny your Christ, but come join in our dance!". And then they dance throughout the night in their Celtic robes.

Orchestral/Symphonic Metal
The threatening man faces not one protagonist but a whole orchestra with 54 musicians. Because of their numeric superiority they don’t consider him a threat, and start playing instead. The man is extremely confused by the massive muddle of different sounds without any logic or melody. When a female vocalist sings so the man’s eardrums burst, he walks away. He is wandering what the hell that had to do with Metal?

Electronic Metal
The protagonist starts bragging about how cool he is and how unique his genre is. The man asks him what he likes and when he receives the answer he just lifts an eyebrow and walks away. The protagonist runs after and is desperately trying to convince him that Electronic Metal is a real genre.

Gothic Metal
The female protagonist says slowly to the man: "There is no need to assault me because both our lives would still be worthless and empty, even if you did not. There is no need to die either because it is much more fun (sorry, not fun; meaningful) to complain about the hopelessness. All the light of our lives is quenched at birth and in the great gloom of life we wander not knowing the path until we finally fall from grace. Angels will". The man gets really annoyed and kills her.

Doom Metal
The protagonist is so depressed so he doesn’t do anything, or maybe he doesn’t move because he is walking to the tempo of a Funeral Doom song in his Mp3-player? The man is approaching calling the protagonist "fucking Goth". The protagonist gets really angry and utters with his depressed voice: "I’m no Goth, I’m CULT. My band broke up after releasing one demo-LP with two songs on it". The man gets interested: "So, you play Doom Metal, like My Dying Bride?"
"No, they are sell-outs and too fucking fast".

[Iteroth]

I wish I were a metal fan so this would be funnier

[Fitz Tayo]

Awesome Porter.

Which one of these is you then? Or do you get your own special catagory.

[Porter]

I don't know which I would be........probably a mix of Power, Progressive and Speed

[Telephalsion]

Awesome, I had a good laugh.

[Forerunner]

Funny, very funny, even though I only know not even half of those the names give you the gist.

hehe... Gothic metal...

[War]

Progressive Metal
The protagonist becomes afraid and asks if he can play his shortest song before he is killed. The bully agrees. After nine minutes of endless solos and lyrics like "the aftermath of the purification bears me through the solid walls of festering ambivalence, while the waves of revered intimacy roar ferociously" the man dies of inflamed patience gland. The protagonist feels insulted for never getting to play the last two solos.

So ture.

[EmperorJeramyu]

Viking Metal
The protagonist is not worried. He knows that he cannot lose because he has the support of Thor and, above all, he is so extremely fucking Nordic. He comes from a place so far north even Santa Claus would freeze his butt of. He crushes his enemy’s head with his giant axe and then envies the man for coming to Valhalla before him. He walks away thinking: "Odin’s Shit! Where did I park my longship?"

That's so me.

[Impossible]

Power Metal
The protagonist draws the mighty shining sword of the undying flame. Then he slays his foe by the power of the steel. With the voice of a thousand winds he yells in the man’s face: "So, will you read the Silmarillion now?"

That one is hilarious...