Chuck norris will own you

[Teenr0cker]

I make this humble thread in hopes that you, the crestfallen few, would know the greatness that is Chuck norris. I've also linked to a random fact generator, so if anyone would like to post them and they don't resemble any of the previously posted ones, try and post in bulk to conserve post counts and hide the fact this is easily spammable.

http://www.platypuscomix.net/educationa ... orris.html

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard-rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and, the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse...horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.


The following are the top 30 random facts about Mr Norris...
http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

The following link are the rest of those random facts
http://www.4q.cc/chuck/



Viagra is extracted from Chuck Norris' beard.

Chuck Norris once fought 43 midgets and a lion on Pay Per View. After slaughtering the midgets Chuck Norris could not destroy the lion since it was his biological father.

Chuck Norris individually routes Internet traffic on paper.

The unseen gold thing in the briefcase in "Pulp Fiction" was a picture of Chuck Norris's penis. Samuel L. Jackson's reluctance to give up the case is what makes him a Bad Mother Fucker, not his wallet.


Chuck Norris once sneezed on a woman at the bank and got her pregnant.


The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Colman. He has not grown since.

Chuck Norris does not need to use his hands while masturbating. He instead silently glares at his penis, which then proceeds to jerk itself off, for fear of being evaporated by Chuck's heat vision, and then replaced by a regrown penis, 365 times bigger than it. 365 for the amount of days a year Chuck Norris kicks ass. And if you ask Chuck about leap years, he will roundhouse your face. There are no leap years in Chuck Norris Land.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because of Chuck Norris.

The world was in fact the produce of Big Bang. That was when Chuck Norris banged Mrs. God

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris once killed a 10,000 pound bear, tore it into 10,000 pieces, and then fed it to a school of salmon just because he enjoyed the irony.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, and not Space, is the final frontier.

Chuck Norris' feet accounted for more damage in 2005 than both the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina.

The original A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima was nothing more than a Ziplock bag filled with Chuck Norris' highly potent seed.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.

Chuck Norris actually stole the cookie from the cookie jar, then roundhouse kicked anyone who questioned his integrity



Chuck norris can kill you in seven different languages.

[EmperorJeramyu]

The original A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima was nothing more than a Ziplock bag filled with Chuck Norris' highly potent seed.

Untrue. When Mr T and Chuck Norris met in Japan, the result was the Hiroshima bombing.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

[Telephalsion]

I wonder if anything (not anyone, cause we know things like Chuck Norris are beyond mere mortals) can equal chuck norris, besides possibly Mr T

[Impossible]

I appreciate the credit for posting that link. Really, I do.

[Teenr0cker]

I heard it from OoS. And all my friends seem to have gotten it from "some forum", so I don't really care if you did or didn't post it. If you want to talk about credit, you could've posted the link yourself and made an effort, but you didn't.

[Porter]

What is the deal with everyone ripping on Chuck Norris in the last month or so?

Walker Texas Ranger is great!

[Wellsy]

Thank you, Teen . . . that was epically hilarious.

Plus I learned a lot of cool facts about Chuck Norris!

Porter, no one's ripping on Chuck Norris. All of those facts simply attest to his greatness. Plus, if we were ripping on him, he'd just sneeze on our sisters and get 'em pregnant.

[Impossible]

http://www.platypuscomix.net/educational/chucknorris.html

I can guarantee that this URL would not be there had I not said it in the IRC channel already.

[Strayed Wanderer]

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

pfff... I don't believe that one.

[Teenr0cker]

Really? Looks like you posted it in the forums to me.


Boohoo, you didn't get e-credit for your e-penis for posting the link soon enough. You dropped the ball, not my fault then. I can guarentee you I talked to several of my friends who have seen that recently, before I showed it to them. It doesn't matter, so chill.


Prolly compensating for something...

[Flibbo]

I hear chuck norris has a 1000 win 0 loss record on Mario Kart ds, despite having never played the game.

[Glenn47]

Video killed the radio star. Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris killed Video.

Contrary to popular belief, Mary was not a virgin. Chuck impregnated her and the result was a bearded man named Jesus that could walk on water and turn stone into bread. He could not, however, throw a proper roundhouse kick. Chuck abandoned them and denied that Jesus was his son by proclaiming that Mary was a virgin. Everyone listened, because he is Chuck Norris.

Oh god, I laughed for 20 minutes. My favorites were the poker face and the counting to infinity one.

[Occurrence of Something]

After briefly consulting all of my various logs, I have determined that I saw that link and other Chuck Norris related links at least 22 days before Impossible linked to it in the chat. Stop bitching and grow up, Impossible.

[Greatchickenman]

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/285267

[CJ]

Sucks to be Indiana Jones.